double|ballard|shotgun

1%

2011-11-14T13:15:00.002-05:00

JB quote of the week

2011-11-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

"I'm going to post a picture of a dolphin with wires coming out of its head, on facebook with a caption that says: "We are the 1%""

JB quote of the week

2011-05-27T08:47:00.001-04:00

"Wait, what aspects of noir am i not aware of?"

JB quotes of the week

2011-04-10T09:18:00.001-04:00

Cosby Show Edition:

"Growing up my dad would say: "why aren't you more like Rudy Huxtable.""

"Why don't they just call it the Rudy Huxtable Show? That's the show i would want to watch."

JB quote of the week

2011-01-18T00:39:00.000-05:00

"I can't wait until they open a Vietnamese Dunkin' Donuts."

JB quote of the week

2010-10-09T01:32:00.001-04:00

"All I have to do is pretend that is a Tater Tot, and I won't want it."

grow

2010-09-17T10:02:00.001-04:00

Exhibit A:

in which Josh's one arm is almost definitely longer than his other arm.

[For more "context," see entries from 2nd May 2009, and more importantly 10th November 2007]

JB quote of the week

2010-08-05T22:29:00.000-04:00

"Guys, seriously, can people breathe through their ears?"

JB photo of the week

2010-07-20T23:47:00.001-04:00

JB quote of the week

2010-07-18T22:47:00.001-04:00

"I ate dinner already... but I don't know if it worked."

JB quote of the week

2010-06-18T19:41:00.001-04:00

"Listen, I can't make my legs any more disappointing than this."

JB quote of the week

2010-03-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

"I come from a long line of religious mystics."

JB quote of the week

2010-02-22T23:08:00.002-05:00

"I wasn't raised to be a man... I was raised to be an educated housewife."

JB quote of the week

2010-02-08T01:39:00.001-05:00

"I got an earache on Friday. I think I can hear fine, but it feels like I can't."

batteries

2009-12-14T09:23:00.001-05:00

JB quote of the week

2009-10-03T11:01:00.001-04:00

"Look at this bug bite on my hand. My cat gave it to me with its claw when he tried to wake me up."

JB text of the week

2009-09-16T18:20:00.001-04:00

"Ginger Beer is the most effective weapon that i've found against beer."

JB party of the week

2009-08-20T18:06:00.003-04:00

This Saturday, 22nd August, is your chance to party with the one and only Josh "Party Josh" Ballard.

3424 West Allegheny Avenue. The City of Philadelphia. Corner of Sedgwick and Allegheny.
(Side door / second floor)

Party Time.

P.S. ask Josh to see the beach when you get there.

JB quotes of the week

2009-08-07T01:06:00.003-04:00

"I think i'm becoming a cat lady."

"I have to take it back to the library, I just don't feel comfortable reading a book with large print."

truce?

2009-07-13T10:40:00.001-04:00

"He's not answering. Do you think Ryan knows how to block my phone number? I've called him fifteen times?"

JB quotes of the week

2009-07-11T22:14:00.002-04:00

"These sparkler's smell like lettuce."

"I can't stop hiccuping, the sun isn't out any more."

good ole days

2009-06-29T12:58:00.001-04:00

Last time on Garbage St

2009-06-23T00:30:00.003-04:00

JB quote of the week

2009-05-30T19:13:00.001-04:00

"I could just sleep on the floor... Is the floor harder than the earth? Because when I go camping I just sleep in my sleeping bag on the ground."

JB quotes of the week

2009-05-10T15:51:00.002-04:00

ATLANTIC CITY EDITION

"I wish I could watch Starwars while gambling."

"I'm not going to make a fool of myself just to see the ocean."

JB quote of the week

2009-05-06T23:40:00.002-04:00

"How am I supposed to save money if everything turns to mold!?"

JB quote of the week

2009-05-02T19:12:00.004-04:00

"I think my right arm is longer than my left arm."

[For more "context," see entry from 10th November 2007]

JB morning hair of the week

2009-04-28T23:32:00.003-04:00

JB quote of the week

2009-04-25T12:56:00.003-04:00

"Apparently my computer has 'Voice Recognition,' but I haven't tried it because I feel weird having my computer knowing what i'm talking about."

JB quote of the week

2009-04-10T00:17:00.001-04:00

"What is a library in progress in congress?"

JB quote of the week

2009-04-03T18:46:00.002-04:00

"I hope I don't ever have another red-meat headache. I think I had one on Monday"

JB impersonation of the week

2009-03-17T00:08:00.004-04:00

This week it's Jack Nicholson circa One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

JB quote of the week

2009-03-13T01:07:00.000-04:00

"My face isn't malleable right now."

JB quote of the week

2009-03-10T23:47:00.000-04:00

"Doesn't everything in the ocean smell the same, anyway?"

JB quote of the week

2009-03-07T01:48:00.005-05:00

"Do you think I can get my fingernails to go straight across, like yours? I've seen lots of images online and most people's are straight across. Is it because I bite my nails? I could stop if i needed to.

JB quote of the week

2009-02-08T14:00:00.002-05:00

"I put man-eating glass in a bag. Everyone thought I would cut my fingers, but did i cut my fingers? No, 'N' 'O.' Do these look like fingers of someone who could be cut? 'N' 'O.'"

JB quote of the week

2009-02-05T19:33:00.001-05:00

"Do you think there is anything ethically wrong with taking vitamins with beer?"

voicemail transcript

2009-01-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

"SUE! What the fuck is Phil Burge Syndrome? Ryan won't tell me! Call me back and tell me!"

story teller

2008-12-22T23:22:00.002-05:00

there's two tries at this, this one seemed a little...clearer.

JB quote of the week

2008-12-21T01:51:00.000-05:00

"I'm sleeping with the best place is."

JB quote of the week

2008-10-25T03:02:00.002-04:00

"This may seem weird, but I need you to feel my kneecaps, both of them. Will that require me to remove my pants? I think I fractured one... It's probably because I don't drink milk..."

JB quotes of the week

2008-09-27T04:36:00.004-04:00

"A vast work, a network of philosophy."

"Small men talk about people, medium men talk about cartography, large men talk about ideas."

JB in real-time

2008-08-15T22:49:00.008-04:00

JB in real-time is a new feature that finds me serendipitously at a computer transcribing what Josh is saying/doing--usually after a drink or two:

Josh just came home from a work party at Club Platinum.
"Did you know Russia invaded Georgia! Aren't they supposed to be doing heroin or something--not stealing our missile defense system. That kind of thing makes me want to go to another planet or something." At this point he tried to take a spoonful of oatmeal and spit it out, spilling it down the front of his shirt because it was too hot. Then: "Do you know what? My mom's nickname was Asbestos Mouth--no pun intended--she eats hot stuff. That's were I get it from. I want to be in another dimension, I don't want to be here anymore." As he walked out of my room he kicked over a fan, in the next room, knocked a framed picture off the wall and kicked over a keyboard on a stand. When he made it to the kitchen he asked me why a bottle of bleach was on the counter. I said he must have just gotten it out because it wasn't out this morning and I didn't take it out. He replied with: "there are deep mysteries here!"
Now he is hopping across the kitchen floor in his boxers trying to put a pair of pants on.
Before hesitantly leaving to go to another party around the corner from our house, he said: "I don't know if I should go to this party, I feel like I might lose something--not my virginity, but a tie, or my life."

On strength

2008-06-16T00:47:00.003-04:00

Josh and I were about to watch a movie on his huge computer screen. We usually sit on his miniature couch and he puts his feet up on his computer chair. The chair was too high and he couldn't seem to lower it simply by engaging the lever and pushing it down, he had to sit on it and use his weight to lower the seat. After accomplishing this, he looked at me and said: "Well, my body is stronger than I am."

Handshake error

2008-05-23T19:32:00.003-04:00

Josh and I shook hands the other day. I told him a man needs a firm handshake. He was unconvinced.
The next day Josh was going in for an interview for a better department with his current employer. Apropos of our handshaking conversation, I mentioned he should shake the interviewer's hand with a firm grip. I said when I shake someone's hand and it feels like a dead fish, I always notice and think they are lily-livered. Josh was still unconvinced. Or simply unconcerned perhaps.
Still trying to convince him that a firm handshake was important for first impressions--especially as an introduction for a job interview, I said, "Even if it doesn't matter, wouldn't it be better to have a firm rather than a limp handshake?"
Josh replied, "No one looks at me and assumes that I'm going to have a firm handshake."
"Then that's even better, they will be impressed by a good handshake," I said.
Then Josh said, "Well, I don't think the element of surprise is necessary."

JB quote of the week

2008-05-10T12:31:00.001-04:00

"It's somewhere between less than eleven, and more than twenty."

JB quote of the week

2008-03-21T00:07:00.001-04:00

"I do like peanut butter, I just don't like hearing about it."

JB quote of the week (the machine becomes self-aware)

2008-03-11T23:25:00.002-04:00

"I'm not some kind of machine, I can't just pump out a quote of the week."

Some recent discoveries

2008-02-23T16:18:00.005-05:00

A few days ago I was pouring myself a glass or flash-pasteurized Florida orange juice.
Whenever Josh buys orange juice, he always gets it sans pulp. So, when I buy orange juice I buy pulpless, also, assuming Josh just doesn't like pulp. My sister is the same way. Everyone else in my family loves pulp, so as a child she would strain the pulp from the juice before drinking it.
So, the other day I asked josh, "You don't like pulp, do you? I really think orange juice is so much better with lots of pulp."
Josh responded: "I don't really know..."
"Wait, you've never even had orange juice with pulp!?"
Then came this weeks gem.
"Well, i feel like I need to ease my way into these things. I only started drinking orange juice last year."
LAST YEAR!
There's something else you should know about Josh: He has never eaten peaches!
How is it even possible that someone like this exists?

JB quote of the week

2008-02-10T00:21:00.000-05:00

"Wait, so the saying 'if it doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger,' doesn't apply to all parts of the body?"

JB quote of the week

2008-02-03T16:48:00.000-05:00

"I feel like I'm full, but I also feel like I'm hungry. It's quite confusing."

guest spot of the week

2008-01-18T14:46:00.000-05:00

On Josh Ballard as a Baker:
A Play in Four Acts
by Melissa Pants

Act I
In a grocery store.
Josh Ballard (to self): I will buy this cupcake mix & make cupcakes!
Buys cupcake mix

Act II
At 607 Tasker St. In the living room, with chartreuse & brown walls. The cat, Matt LeBlanc, is eating a fake Christmas tree. Amanda, Melissa, Sue & Josh Ballard are watching ANTM.
ANTM ends, & LOST is about to begin.
Josh Ballard: Um, I'll go make cupcakes while you guys watch LOST.
A,M,S: Sounds good.
Josh heads to the kitchen, ostensibly to make cupcakes. The time is 9 PM.

Act III
An hour has passed, & it is now 10 PM. LOST has ended. Amanda, Melissa & Sue are seated in the living room. Josh enters.
Josh Ballard (quietly, in Sue's ear): Um...Sue? Can I ask you a question in the other room?
Sue: Okay.
Josh and Sue go to the kitchen.

Act IV
In the kitchen. The stand mixer is on the table, making irregular clunking noises as it whirls around an empty bowl that does not fit with the mixer.
Josh Ballard: Um...how do you make cupcakes?

End.

JB quote of the week

2008-01-16T00:26:00.000-05:00

"I have a headache. I don't know why, I've done everything right."

JB quote(s) of the week

2008-01-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

"Seems like a butterfly, stings like a bee: The butterfly effect."

"I am not watching this movie with you sitting next to me eating scrambled eggs."

"Is there an awkward love language? Because I would probably be that."

JB quote of the week

2007-12-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

"I love actual hamburgers, but something about mini hamburgers grosses me out, I mean, under pain of death I could eat them. I don't know what it is."

JB quote(s) of the week

2007-12-08T00:22:00.001-05:00

"I'm familiar with a lot of types of beer, and surprisingly familiar with a lot of types of fish. Maybe more types of fish than beer."

"First we have the animal kingdom, that's a real thing, right? Then, we have the spirit world, then the living sea. And there's outer space of course... Why is it the animal kingdom? It should be the animal empire, or the animal fiefdom."

Two things

2007-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

1. The exact difference between Josh and I:
The other day Josh and I were watching a movie I keep getting from netflix, called "Elling." It is probably one of my favorites. As is fairly normal, we start watching something around 10pm and stop half way thru, because Josh needs to go to bed.
A few days later, Sunday morning, I asked if he wanted to finish watching it. I wanted to send it back on monday, I said, "What's the point of netflix if you don't watch as many movies as possible during a month?"
Josh said: "That's the reason I like netflix, because I can keep a movie as long as I want."
And that is the exact difference between Josh and I. So far I think his record is keeping a movie for the entire summer, then finally sending it back, never having watched it.

2. Investing for retirement:
This evening Josh crossed off one of the things his mother had been asking him to do for a long time: He filled out the necessary on-line forms to start up his 401k.
My favorite part was when he repeatedly called me into his room to ask me how much of his paycheck he should allot for his 401k, what percentage he should invest in stocks or bonds, how to divide it between these yet-to-be-chosen stocks and bonds. Things like that.
I wouldn't even ask myself those questions.

JB quote of the week

2007-11-23T22:00:00.000-05:00

"Do you think my donut with still be good tomorrow?"

JB quote of the week

2007-11-19T00:38:00.000-05:00

"I hate taking a shower when I have music playing because I don't want to miss any songs."

JB quote of the week

2007-11-15T00:28:00.000-05:00

"Why can't all girls be created equal, it would just be easier."

Growing Arms

2007-11-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to a lot of Deerhunter, lately.
The other day Josh and I are hanging out in our kitchen, you know, cooking hotdogs in the toster oven. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mention that I saw some pictures of Bradford Cox, singer for Deerhunter...

Actually, let me back up...

About a week before this, Josh and I were walking down Tasker. Josh kept looking down at his arms, holding his arms out in front of him, bending and turning his arms. This went on for a minute, then he asked: "I think my arms are longer, do they look longer to you?" Obviously I started laughing, because I knew Josh was truly worried that his arms were actually elongating at such a rate that they would look normal one moment, then the next, too long.

Back to Deerhunter...

I said I saw pictures of the singer and that he was super skinny and lanky. I also mentioned that I found out this was because he has Marfan Syndrome, which causes disproportionately long limbs and fingers and a tall stature.
At this point Josh froze, remembering the I-think-my-arms-are-longer episode, and with a panicked look said, "Oh my God, what if I have that?"
I assured him he didn't.

JB quote of the week

2007-10-31T23:45:00.000-04:00

"I certainly won't be wearing slippers during the apocalypse."

See what I have to live with?

2007-10-24T23:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight Kristen A. came over. She, Josh and I went for Vietnamese food up at 11th & Washington. Kristen loves Vietnam more than America...

Josh and I have this thing we each say, always sardonic, with an indolent roll of the eyes, to any third person who happens to be around: "See what I have to live with?" Usually when one of us says or does something the other interprets as vaguely ridiculous.
Example #1 and #2:
Kristen and I were sitting in the kitchen and I was talking fanatically about a book on anomalous natural phenomena I had just gotten from The Sourcebook Project. (This type of thing, this fascination I have is a derivative of living for 23 years with my father. I seem to have inherited his proclivities toward conspiracy and revisionism.) Josh gets home from work and goes to change his clothes. He comes out of his room holding a shirt and asks me, ruefully, "do you think i should wear this? I don't know if I should wear this shirt."
I turn to Kristen who has 5/8th of a smirk across her face, and say, "see what I have to live with?"
We walk to Viet Huong and are seated by a chubby Vietnamese fellow who bows grinningly as he hands us our menus. Someone says something about coconuts. I offer a bit of trivia to Kristen I had recently read in a book, about some form of crab, on islands in the south pacific, that can actually crack open coconuts. (There is some basis for me mentioning this arcane bit of trumpery. Mostly because I had recently borrowed to Kristen the book in mention: "The Island of the Colorblind.") Immediately Josh says, "see what I have to live with!" Now, Josh has heard me tell this anecdote a couple times before, but that isn't what he's concerned with. I say, "what? I think that's pretty interesting," then mostly joking: "you should be lucky, it's like you have an encyclopedia living with you." Josh turns to Kristen, "see what I have to live with, I have to live with the most annoying encyclopedia ever."

JB quote of the week

2007-10-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

"There's nothing hotter than women who bring in cake to the work place."