there's two tries at this, this one seemed a little...clearer.
22 December 2008
21 December 2008
25 October 2008
JB quote of the week
"This may seem weird, but I need you to feel my kneecaps, both of them. Will that require me to remove my pants? I think I fractured one... It's probably because I don't drink milk..."
27 September 2008
JB quotes of the week
"A vast work, a network of philosophy."
"Small men talk about people, medium men talk about cartography, large men talk about ideas."
"Small men talk about people, medium men talk about cartography, large men talk about ideas."
15 August 2008
JB in real-time
JB in real-time is a new feature that finds me serendipitously at a computer transcribing what Josh is saying/doing--usually after a drink or two:
Josh just came home from a work party at Club Platinum.
"Did you know Russia invaded Georgia! Aren't they supposed to be doing heroin or something--not stealing our missile defense system. That kind of thing makes me want to go to another planet or something." At this point he tried to take a spoonful of oatmeal and spit it out, spilling it down the front of his shirt because it was too hot. Then: "Do you know what? My mom's nickname was Asbestos Mouth--no pun intended--she eats hot stuff. That's were I get it from. I want to be in another dimension, I don't want to be here anymore." As he walked out of my room he kicked over a fan, in the next room, knocked a framed picture off the wall and kicked over a keyboard on a stand. When he made it to the kitchen he asked me why a bottle of bleach was on the counter. I said he must have just gotten it out because it wasn't out this morning and I didn't take it out. He replied with: "there are deep mysteries here!"
Now he is hopping across the kitchen floor in his boxers trying to put a pair of pants on.
Before hesitantly leaving to go to another party around the corner from our house, he said: "I don't know if I should go to this party, I feel like I might lose something--not my virginity, but a tie, or my life."
Josh just came home from a work party at Club Platinum.
"Did you know Russia invaded Georgia! Aren't they supposed to be doing heroin or something--not stealing our missile defense system. That kind of thing makes me want to go to another planet or something." At this point he tried to take a spoonful of oatmeal and spit it out, spilling it down the front of his shirt because it was too hot. Then: "Do you know what? My mom's nickname was Asbestos Mouth--no pun intended--she eats hot stuff. That's were I get it from. I want to be in another dimension, I don't want to be here anymore." As he walked out of my room he kicked over a fan, in the next room, knocked a framed picture off the wall and kicked over a keyboard on a stand. When he made it to the kitchen he asked me why a bottle of bleach was on the counter. I said he must have just gotten it out because it wasn't out this morning and I didn't take it out. He replied with: "there are deep mysteries here!"
Now he is hopping across the kitchen floor in his boxers trying to put a pair of pants on.
Before hesitantly leaving to go to another party around the corner from our house, he said: "I don't know if I should go to this party, I feel like I might lose something--not my virginity, but a tie, or my life."
16 June 2008
On strength
Josh and I were about to watch a movie on his huge computer screen. We usually sit on his miniature couch and he puts his feet up on his computer chair. The chair was too high and he couldn't seem to lower it simply by engaging the lever and pushing it down, he had to sit on it and use his weight to lower the seat. After accomplishing this, he looked at me and said: "Well, my body is stronger than I am."
23 May 2008
Handshake error
Josh and I shook hands the other day. I told him a man needs a firm handshake. He was unconvinced.
The next day Josh was going in for an interview for a better department with his current employer. Apropos of our handshaking conversation, I mentioned he should shake the interviewer's hand with a firm grip. I said when I shake someone's hand and it feels like a dead fish, I always notice and think they are lily-livered. Josh was still unconvinced. Or simply unconcerned perhaps.
Still trying to convince him that a firm handshake was important for first impressions--especially as an introduction for a job interview, I said, "Even if it doesn't matter, wouldn't it be better to have a firm rather than a limp handshake?"
Josh replied, "No one looks at me and assumes that I'm going to have a firm handshake."
"Then that's even better, they will be impressed by a good handshake," I said.
Then Josh said, "Well, I don't think the element of surprise is necessary."
The next day Josh was going in for an interview for a better department with his current employer. Apropos of our handshaking conversation, I mentioned he should shake the interviewer's hand with a firm grip. I said when I shake someone's hand and it feels like a dead fish, I always notice and think they are lily-livered. Josh was still unconvinced. Or simply unconcerned perhaps.
Still trying to convince him that a firm handshake was important for first impressions--especially as an introduction for a job interview, I said, "Even if it doesn't matter, wouldn't it be better to have a firm rather than a limp handshake?"
Josh replied, "No one looks at me and assumes that I'm going to have a firm handshake."
"Then that's even better, they will be impressed by a good handshake," I said.
Then Josh said, "Well, I don't think the element of surprise is necessary."
10 May 2008
21 March 2008
11 March 2008
JB quote of the week (the machine becomes self-aware)
"I'm not some kind of machine, I can't just pump out a quote of the week."
23 February 2008
Some recent discoveries
A few days ago I was pouring myself a glass or flash-pasteurized Florida orange juice.
Whenever Josh buys orange juice, he always gets it sans pulp. So, when I buy orange juice I buy pulpless, also, assuming Josh just doesn't like pulp. My sister is the same way. Everyone else in my family loves pulp, so as a child she would strain the pulp from the juice before drinking it.
So, the other day I asked josh, "You don't like pulp, do you? I really think orange juice is so much better with lots of pulp."
Josh responded: "I don't really know..."
"Wait, you've never even had orange juice with pulp!?"
Then came this weeks gem.
"Well, i feel like I need to ease my way into these things. I only started drinking orange juice last year."
LAST YEAR!
There's something else you should know about Josh: He has never eaten peaches!
How is it even possible that someone like this exists?
Whenever Josh buys orange juice, he always gets it sans pulp. So, when I buy orange juice I buy pulpless, also, assuming Josh just doesn't like pulp. My sister is the same way. Everyone else in my family loves pulp, so as a child she would strain the pulp from the juice before drinking it.
So, the other day I asked josh, "You don't like pulp, do you? I really think orange juice is so much better with lots of pulp."
Josh responded: "I don't really know..."
"Wait, you've never even had orange juice with pulp!?"
Then came this weeks gem.
"Well, i feel like I need to ease my way into these things. I only started drinking orange juice last year."
LAST YEAR!
There's something else you should know about Josh: He has never eaten peaches!
How is it even possible that someone like this exists?
10 February 2008
JB quote of the week
"Wait, so the saying 'if it doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger,' doesn't apply to all parts of the body?"
03 February 2008
18 January 2008
guest spot of the week
On Josh Ballard as a Baker:
A Play in Four Acts
by Melissa Pants
Act I
In a grocery store.
Josh Ballard (to self): I will buy this cupcake mix & make cupcakes!
Buys cupcake mix
Act II
At 607 Tasker St. In the living room, with chartreuse & brown walls. The cat, Matt LeBlanc, is eating a fake Christmas tree. Amanda, Melissa, Sue & Josh Ballard are watching ANTM.
ANTM ends, & LOST is about to begin.
Josh Ballard: Um, I'll go make cupcakes while you guys watch LOST.
A,M,S: Sounds good.
Josh heads to the kitchen, ostensibly to make cupcakes. The time is 9 PM.
Act III
An hour has passed, & it is now 10 PM. LOST has ended. Amanda, Melissa & Sue are seated in the living room. Josh enters.
Josh Ballard (quietly, in Sue's ear): Um...Sue? Can I ask you a question in the other room?
Sue: Okay.
Josh and Sue go to the kitchen.
Act IV
In the kitchen. The stand mixer is on the table, making irregular clunking noises as it whirls around an empty bowl that does not fit with the mixer.
Josh Ballard: Um...how do you make cupcakes?
End.
A Play in Four Acts
by Melissa Pants
Act I
In a grocery store.
Josh Ballard (to self): I will buy this cupcake mix & make cupcakes!
Buys cupcake mix
Act II
At 607 Tasker St. In the living room, with chartreuse & brown walls. The cat, Matt LeBlanc, is eating a fake Christmas tree. Amanda, Melissa, Sue & Josh Ballard are watching ANTM.
ANTM ends, & LOST is about to begin.
Josh Ballard: Um, I'll go make cupcakes while you guys watch LOST.
A,M,S: Sounds good.
Josh heads to the kitchen, ostensibly to make cupcakes. The time is 9 PM.
Act III
An hour has passed, & it is now 10 PM. LOST has ended. Amanda, Melissa & Sue are seated in the living room. Josh enters.
Josh Ballard (quietly, in Sue's ear): Um...Sue? Can I ask you a question in the other room?
Sue: Okay.
Josh and Sue go to the kitchen.
Act IV
In the kitchen. The stand mixer is on the table, making irregular clunking noises as it whirls around an empty bowl that does not fit with the mixer.
Josh Ballard: Um...how do you make cupcakes?
End.
16 January 2008
12 January 2008
JB quote(s) of the week
"Seems like a butterfly, stings like a bee: The butterfly effect."
"I am not watching this movie with you sitting next to me eating scrambled eggs."
"Is there an awkward love language? Because I would probably be that."
"I am not watching this movie with you sitting next to me eating scrambled eggs."
"Is there an awkward love language? Because I would probably be that."
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